Take Me As I Am

I have been asked by several people several times when I was going to have another blog entry.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down to try to write this blog, but have failed to get what is in my brain out onto paper.  My best guess as to why I struggled was because it was still jumbled in my brain.  So I’m sitting down to give it another try.

When I first started writing The Diary of a Fat Mermaid, I figured it would be me writing the ups and downs that come with losing weight:  The shift in my thinking of something as a diet to thinking of it as a life change, the comprises I make in order to still have a splurge, the change in reasons why I wanted to lose, etc.  While it initially started this way, somewhere along the way I realized something.  My poor health was way bigger than me just thinking in terms of diet vs. life change, or sacrifice for reward, my poor health was a direct result of my ego.  Or rather my EGO! 

Over the last several months there has been a monstrous shift for me that I could in no way come close to explaining. That was until I watched a TEDtalk that wrapped up all this confusion for me and put a pretty little bow on it. 

I will use my running to explain.  I’m 5’9” and have always felt like I should easily be running a 10 minute mile.  I should be able to train to run faster, but 10 should be just fine.  When I started running I was so far off this time and would totally beat myself up over it.  When someone knows you’ve done a race, they inevitably ask “what was your time?”  I always hated this question because I knew how slow it was.  I had an average of a 15 minute mile for a few races and I will never ever forget the humiliation I felt when a “friend” scrunched their face, shook their head and responded with, “well you can just walk that pace.”  Holy ouch!!!  Maybe they could, but I sure as heck couldn’t!  Finishing a 10K or ½ marathon wasn’t a possibility for the person I had been, so completing one with a 15, 20 or 30 minute pace shouldn’t have been belittled but rather celebrated.  Hurt and ashamed I’d beat myself up again and just stop running. 

My dad who, was running at the time, invited me out for a walk with him during a visit.  He finally convinced me to jog back to the house at the end of our walk.  When I started my slow steady pace at probably 15 minutes per mile, he proceeded to hop on one foot next to me.  When I stopped out of humiliation he simply commented with, “Oh Sharon, you’re so easy to tease”.    Gee, with humiliation and self-abuse associated with running I don’t understand why running and I aren’t in love!

Please don’t get me wrong.  My problem wasn’t with my friend’s response or my dad’s tease, my problem was that I didn’t like the way I felt.  I mean obviously no one likes to feel humiliated or belittled, but I’ve since realized that I didn’t like feeling vulnerable.  I may have said I didn’t care what anyone thought, but I was dead wrong.  I cared more than I could have ever imagined.  

Over the past several months, I have started to just embrace who I am.  I stopped trying to pretend to be the image I presented and started being the real me.  One thing I hated was that I am a crier!  I am a HUGE crier.  Essentially I’m safe at a 4 to about an 8 range.  Meaning that if my sadness falls below a 4, I’m crying.  If my joy goes above an 8, yep I’m cryin’!  I hated that!  Don’t know why, but I did.  I now just embrace it.  I was so fortunate to stay with two of the most wonderful friends while I was in LA.  Something fun and good was happening and one of my besties remarked, “Hey, we better keep her below an 8!!”  The best part was that loving comment sent me to a level of about 8.5 and I started getting misty eyed. 

This change over the last several months has literally changed everything in my life.  I’m not just healthier, but I am by far happier than I can ever remember being.  I don’t feel like I have to always be right.  I just feel SO much better in every aspect of life.

While all of this was feeling great for me and changing my life, it wasn’t until I watched a TEDtalk that I was able to put my finger on it.  Not just why I was feeling so great now, but why I wasn’t before.  Why the old me beat myself up over not running fast enough or whatever and why the new me has mind chatter that starts with “I’m so proud of you for …”.  I’m just plain happier and the funny thing is, I didn’t realize how angry I was before all of this!

So here we are.  This is why it has taken me so long to write the latest entry into The Diary of a Fat Mermaid.  It gives the appearance of being so far off of what I thought this journey was going to initially look like. 

We as people have not just a desire but an actual need to feel connected.  It is why we are here.  Right now if I were to ask you to describe love or relationship, a large percentage of you would probably do what I did and think about or talk about feeling excluded or broken-hearted.  I have my family and I have friends, I rarely even let them get a deep connection to me.  Not because of what they did, but rather because of what I was afraid of.  I was afraid that if I opened up and people saw the real me, the crier, the 15 min miler, the scared, the whatever, then they wouldn’t want to be connected to me.  I have great and amazing people in my life and I was scared that if they knew the real me wasn’t as amazing as them, they would be gone.  My fear was that I wasn’t enough.

Ready for a big statement by Dr. Brene Brown that is based on her years of research?  “The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.”  Sit with that for a minute.  So my fear of not being enough transcended into my fear of not being worthy. 

While I always considered myself as a compassionate person, I would at times lash out when put in situations that created that dreaded vulnerability.  I wasn’t ever compassionate enough with myself to truly be compassionate with others.  I fought letting go of who I thought I should be in order to allow myself to be who I was. 

So what did living this way have to do with me being overweight?  Why would me fighting tooth and nail from allowing myself to feel vulnerable have an impact on my health?  Well it’s simple.  We numb that which we do not like.  We numb vulnerability.  I tried to numb my vulnerability through eating, drinking and even shopping at times.  I was feeling ashamed, humiliated, embarrassed, scared and unworthy and I didn’t want to feel those things.  So I numbed these feelings with a bowl of ice cream, a bottle of wine shared with friends, or a great meal out.   But it also went further than that for me and this is what watching Dr. Brene Brown’s TEDtalk helped me realize. 

I wasn’t just numbing with food, drink and fun but I was making everything uncertain certain.  I’m right, you’re wrong.  I used this one a lot when it came to politics and social issues.  I could and did argue my point with the best of them.  I could blame the Republicans for the debt, the war, the this or the that.  I would see a post from someone about something I totally disagreed on and I was ready to jump on the soapbox across from them and make my point known.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just a door mat now that refuses to stand up for what I feel is the right thing.  I just don’t do it in order to discharge my pain and discomfort.  That is big so I’m going to say it again, I don’t do it in order to discharge my pain and discomfort.

I feel like one week when I was at my lowest several months ago, was my turning point.  I finally decided that I would just give in and fall into this crazy, silly, messy, vulnerable, scary, and awesome life.  I told myself, “How I’ve been living hasn’t worked, so I’ll try this one for a bit.”  Since then, I’ve been on a surf board, completed numerous races, grieved at the loss of my grandmother but took strength from her, become a better person, spouse, parent and friend, started rock climbing, have had business opportunities open up, and have actually taken the big leap of moving to an area I’ve wanted to move to for 20 years.  Yes, I attribute all of this to embracing my vulnerability. 

The reason is because when I was numbing the yucky stuff, I was also numbing the good stuff.  We numb happiness, purpose, gratitude and then we miss feeling connected or purposeful or happy which makes us feel vulnerable and so we numb it again.  See I didn’t just start eating healthy and exercising; I stopped the silly, useless numbing cycle.

So I’ll end by saying this, you are enough.  Everything you need to achieve the dreams you have you already possess.  You are pretty enough, smart enough, and good enough.  The person you want to be already exists inside of you, now it’s just time to stop fighting and let her shine.  This isn’t easy, but life is never easy this way just brings results that are a lot more fun.

 

What a High

Well I did it.  Yesterday I completed my very first sprint triathlon.  Team Mermaid has this little thingy they like to do after a race.  They get together and share their high, low and what the heck stories.  For today’s blog, I am going to share my high, low and what the heck of the race.

I’m going to do it a little different by starting with my low.  I went into the water right before my swim to get use to the cold.  I swam around a bit, put my face in the water, got my goggles cleaned, etc.  I got out and was standing around in my wetsuit chatting with friends and family when Heidi started counting down.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1 GO!  Silly me had put my goggles on my hot head and when I pulled them down to put them on, they were all foggy!  Instead of just stopping and getting them fixed and on right, I tried to do it on the fly…I mean swim.  I had to stop three times to get the fog out of my goggles or tip them and pour water out since I didn’t seal them correctly around my eyes.  As the left side would fill up with water I tried swimming like a pirate a couple of times with one eye closed but for some weird reason that didn’t work.

My “what the heck” was my fall and kind of half roll down the big hill.  It wasn’t a dramatic or even good story fall.  I started up the big hill and kinda screwed up shifting into my granny gear.  I can’t unclip my left foot first because of my bad ankle and of course that was the direction I started falling towards when the bike pretty much started rolling backwards.  It wasn’t a fast fall mind you.  In fact if I had seen someone up in the window of the apartments we were by, I think I would have had time for them to toss me a pillow down and get it in position to cushion my fall.  After my audible “uh oh”, I did finally hit and rolled from my left side down the hill to my right side.  I unclipped, picked up my bike and ego and walked up the hill not much worse for the wear.

Now for my high.  One year ago, I came to the Mermaid Santa Cruz Triathlon to meet up with Heidi who was of course announcing the race.  12 months ago, I talked of being an athlete but those stories consisted of triumphs from the past.  These stories included injuries that prevented me from being an athlete today.  The two surgeries on my left ankle that will never be the same, the tendon that tore of my shin bone that left me in a full leg cast for 2 months and then a brace for another month that will never be the same and the shoulder surgery from a mean separation were some of the favorites that would come out.  This also was supposed to help explain the 85 pound weight gain since my glory days.  Weird, but none of them worked on Heidi.  If fact, it kind of just inspired her to tell me some stories that essentially were saying, “oh really you little baby girl wearing pink panties, is that all you got?”  Needless to say, I was inspired.

Through her encouragement I signed up for the Mermaid 5K in San Francisco.  I trained a little bit, but not enough to really count.  In my mind for me, doing a 5K wasn’t really a big deal.  It wasn’t a push for me.  Worst case scenario, I could walk it and knowing my ankle would be swollen by the end holler injury.  Hey, there’s some truth for you.  Don’t think if you are in the same situation I’m in, I don’t know you’ve done the same thing, or at least thought about it.

A last-minute business trip took me out-of-state and so I was unable to participate in the 5K.  I made a promise to go to San Diego and participate in the 10K in February.  Looking back on it, it isn’t the same training that I will be putting in for this coming 10K, but I did train.  Pay attention here, because the difference between the me then and the me now has nothing to do with the training schedule.  One of the big changes that has occurred in the last 12 months is how I see things and talk to myself.  Let me give you an example.  Old me, “Man, if I had trained like this back then, I would be like 60 or 70 lbs lighter by now!  Of course I didn’t so I’m not.”  New and true me, “I trained better for that 10K in San Diego, then I had for anything up to that point.  I was tempted when I went down there to switch to the 5K, but didn’t and powered through and completed something I hadn’t before.  I did a great job and am proud.”  Just in case you don’t see it, that authentic and appreciative thinking is a huge difference.

So just yesterday I completed a sprint Triathlon and it was awesome.  I’m fairly certain that at various points during the race someone looked at me out of the corner of their eye wondering why I was rollin’ with the toothy grin.  6 months ago, I started down a path that I thought strictly consisted of dropping some major lbs.  I had no idea what the real journey would be.  I am a new person because of the people I’ve allowed into my life, but more importantly because of the person I’ve allowed myself to expose.  I am keeping every day in perspective.  I wake up in the morning and know that I am here for a purpose and reason.  My big lesson was that sometimes that purpose and reason isn’t to always bring funny and make people laugh.  Oh don’t get me wrong, I love being a dork and throwing down a sticker dance or cutting up, and yes my bff is truly the microphone.  I just know that it’s also ok if I’m mellow, or if I’m in a bad place because of something going on in my world at that particular moment I get to call a time out.  The hardest thing I’ve learned is that it’s ok to call someone and say, “help”. 

The biggest lesson for me during this weight loss journey hasn’t been to eat better or exercise more.  I mean, really who doesn’t know that.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had to tweak some things and I’ve learned a bit here and there about eating, but more fruits and veggies, less fast food and sweets wasn’t a shocker.  I thought that my weight was the result of a problem.  The reality was that my weight was simply a result of over eating and not exercising.  The real eye opener was realizing that the overeating was a result of my personal demons.  If I needed to shut down, I ate.  If I needed to rejuvenate, I called people to go out to dinner.  I thought that it was being around people that made me feel better, but I’ve since realized that showing myself I could make people laugh and have fun and even cheer them up was the validation my insecure ego needed.

If you are struggling with your weight or any body image for that matter, the time is now.  It’s time to stop looking at your body as an outside picture of the totality of you.  This doesn’t just include over eating, it includes everything:  Smoking, over drinking, over spending, over anything destructive.    (By the way, someone who smokes can’t play the “it’s hard to stop, you don’t know” because I sure enough do know!)  Decide right now to be better and do better.  Decide to be the you God created.  Yeah, it’s scary as hell.  I know, because I’m currently doing it.  Every single one of us out there has had a slap in the face at one time or another letting us know that life is short and should be enjoyed to the fullest.  It took me a long time to begin walking that road but I can tell you as truth, it is a heck of a lot easier living life authentically then it is to constantly step on the scale, or worry about if something’s going to fit, or how am I going to lose this weight.

So that’s my high of the race.  I spent an entire 600 meter swim, a 12 mile bike ride and a 2.5 mile run smiling because I was being me.  I was doing what I had wanted to do for so long but allowed something so silly like my weight to hold me back.  I am healthier today, than I have been in a years.   I mean healthier mentally and physically.  The weight I’ve lost so far is pretty cool, but honestly it is so insignificant to the change my life has made.  So do I worry about what’s going to happen the next time I do step on a scale or try something on?  Quite honestly I don’t.  I don’t have time because starting tomorrow, I’m back in training for a 10K!

I’m Kind of a Big Thing Around Here

I went for a run today, because I’m a runner and all, and it sucked.  Since I live on the sun, it was already hot outside, my legs were tired from a 12 mile bike ride and blah, blah, blah….   Just yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine and told her I needed her help after our schedules slow a tiny bit.  I told her I really want to love running, but just don’t.  Then after today’s little 2.5 mile run I posted, “Man I wish I could love running.  I’ll get there.  I’m determined.”  Needless to say, I received some responses to this.  All encouraging of course.

I started thinking about this.  How could I hear about people running marathons and even ultra marathons and have a spark go off that makes me think, “oh man that would be fun and cool” if I don’t like running?  That doesn’t make any sense what so ever!  There are only 18 days until the Mermaid Tri in Santa Cruz and for training, I’ve been swimming, biking and running.  My swim times are getting better, my bike times have improved a lot and my running times…well, not so much.  I’ve knocked a little over 10 minutes off my bike time in 3 weeks and I’ve shortened my swim by right around 6 minutes.  I’ve shortened my run by 1 min.  That’s it.  That is less than a 30 second decrease per mile.

Looking at this made me realize something.  I don’t dislike running, I dislike not being good at something right away.  I’m pretty fortunate in that I am pretty good at most things I’m interested in.  (Except tennis.  I even took lessons once and at one point the coach shook her head and said “tennis isn’t for everyone you know.”)  Because I was only participating in tennis for a love interest, it didn’t upset me at all.  With running though, I’m doing this just for me and I’m not good at it as of yet.  What the what?!?  That just doesn’t set with me very well. 

Realizing this changes everything.  I’m no longer sitting here thinking, “oh I’ve got to go run and I don’t like it”.  Instead, It has ignited a fire in me to beat this thing.  There is no way that a little thing like putting my feet to the pavement is going to beat me!  I’m Sharon Fredrickson, and in case you didn’t know, I’m kind of a big deal….but then again aren’t we all?

I’ve received numerous emails from people who have read my blog and say how it has spoken to them.  How they have had some of the similar ups and downs, trials and tribulations.  Well if that is true for you as well, then listen to this.  About 2 weeks ago, I was exhausted.  I slept in way past my alarm and when I finally got up, I put in minimum effort for my day.  There was no exercise, all easy grab meals (aka processed) and none of the other things like meditation, journaling, etc.  I even put in minimal efforts at work.  At 6:00pm, I sat on the couch and watched TV until it was time for bed.  The next morning I got up at my normal time and did my morning routine which consists of journaling.  What began as an entry of irritation with myself for “failing again” turned into one of realization. 

“Here I am once again, having to ‘start over’.  Why haven’t I decided to do different and more importantly stay different?  Why do I have days of sloth that include words of ‘tomorrow I’ll start again’?  When will everyday be the tomorrow I’m waiting for?  I feel like I’m always starting over!”  It was at this point that I put down my pen and just sat.  I didn’t try to analyze these questions, I just sat with them.  Then it hit me.  Having a day, a week, a month or even a year of sloth isn’t who I am.  Having the nerve, courage and desire to go after my goals with gusto is who I am.  Jumping back into the pool with both feet is a quality that is kinda badass if you ask me. 

There are so many stories that people tell time and time again where they are saying, “I tried but it just didn’t work.”  ”I’ve tried every diet out there and none worked.”  “I’ve tried meditating, but I just fall asleep and it doesn’t work.”  “I’ve tried…but it didn’t work.”  The truth is, it isn’t the diet or meditation or whatever that didn’t work.  It is the fact that when those individuals got knocked down they stayed there.  They didn’t have that quality awoken in them that gave them the determination to get back up and jump back into the fight.  We all have this quality, but we don’t all let it be awakened because it’s scary.  It’s a special person that gulps down the fear and does it anyway. 

Are you with me?  Have you jumped back into the fight time and time again even though it is difficult?  One of my favorite movies is Rudy.  Rudy is a true story about a guy who was always told he was too small to play college football.  But he is determined to overcome the odds and fulfill his dream of playing for Notre Dame.  It’s a great movie!  There is a scene where he is at football practice and just getting the heck beat out of him during a hitting drill.  The coach pulls him out, but he jumps back in saying, “No!  I can do it!”  Sure enough he makes the hit.  After practice he is in the training room getting things wrapped and icing almost his entire body.  That’s us.  That is a scene that is an example of every single one of us that gets knocked off track of where we want to be and what we want to be doing, but then gets up all sore and bloody and jumps back into the fight.

So there it is.  That was my realization and I hope it speaks very loudly to you.  If you find yourself laying face up from the ground cause you’ve gotten knocked down AGAIN, it’s only because you are a bad ass and got back up and in there in the first place.  The awesome thing is that if you did it once or 100 times it means you can do it again.  That’s the quality in you and I that should be rejoiced because that’s what makes us kind of a big thing around here.

Changing My Environment

Have you ever noticed that you’re different when you are away from home?  I certainly have.  Whether I’m on a business trip or vacation, I am different.  The funny thing is, I think I’m more the true me when I’m away from home.  When I’m away from home, I am always ready to go and do things.  When I’m at home, I’m satisfied with sitting in my favorite super comfy chair and flipping through the channels to relax.  The problem is, I’ve relaxed myself into a rut.  I started thinking about this and had to ask……has my environment created my habits or have my habits created my environment?  Like I said, I have this super comfy chair that I can just melt into, a 42 inch plasma TV that is hung above the fireplace, a blue ray that connects to the internet and my home computer, a Bose sound system hooked up and of course, a Wii.  If I just replaced and end table with a mini fridge, I would be dialed! 

Our bodies and minds are funny things.  They can perform for a very long time at intense levels.  We were made that way.  We dominate.  After all, we stood up and no other animal or creature did that.  If you don’t believe in evolution, then look at it through creation instead.  God created us to be the “big man” (or woman) on campus.  Take a look at the many crazy and awesome things that every creature does.  Ever see an ant carry something at least twice its size?  Or a mountain goat rock hop up and down a mountain like it’s nothing.  Ok…March of the Penguins.  Right?!?!?!?  Think of all of these things and then remember something else.  We are the superior animal.  They got nothing on us.  We were meant to be great, but we’ve settled into mediocrity.  Why?  I personally think there are two reasons.  One is nature and the other is learned.

Like I said, everything about us is built for greatness, including our body’s understanding that we need to rest.  You figure that it wasn’t until recently that we didn’t have to use our mad skills to survive.  It wasn’t a matter of heading down to Safeway to grab a chicken for dinner.  We had to put some time and effort into it.  When my uncle, who is in his late 70’s, was a baby, my grandma was pushing him in a stroller on their ranch in Montana.  Apparently something spooked a pheasant out of a bush and it got caught in the barbed wire fence.  Ok think about that now, you’re walking your kid and a pheasant gets spooked and is caught in a fence right by you.  What do you do?  Chances are you would be sad and think, “oh poor thing” or even try to save it.  Not grandma!  She ran over there, grabbed that thing out of the fence and wrung its neck!  That night they had pheasant for dinner! 

Because of our natural instincts of survival, when given the opportunity to rest our bodies, we will naturally fall into it.  It knows that it needs to have reserves in the tank in case it has to chase down food.  Our bodies will always be ready to save up for famine as well.  Who knows when we’re going to eat again, so while we’re resting and eating, we better save some of that “reserve” because we’ll need it when it’s time to hunt and game on!  Our bodies and natural instincts haven’t adapted to the new world where it doesn’t take as much energy as we’ve saved up to order a sandwich or open a bag of Top Ramen.  Because it hasn’t adapted, when we slip into comfort, our bodies do it willingly.

The second reason I think we settle into mediocrity is because we have a “set back” the other lesser superior animals don’t have.  We have the ability to feel sorry for ourselves.  Imagine a beaver thinking, “I’m just not good enough to build a dam.”  One of my favorite poems is by D.H. Lawrence.  His poems should give us all pause to reflect on who we really are meant to be.  “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.  A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without having felt sorry for itself.”

 

So what does any of this have to do with weight loss?  After all, isn’t this “Diary of a Fat Mermaid?”  The emptiness in life yearns to be filled with something.  Since we’ve allowed rest and negative mind chatter to put us into a state of slumber, we fill the simplest thing there is to fill….. our belly. 

I’m sure there are a lot of people who think the same way I use to, “what do you mean rest, I’m always busy!”  We have kids, spouses, work, etc. and all of those things run us in 80 million different directions.  I could say I was so super busy, but then tell you who was all up in who’s  grill during the Real Housewives reunion!  Oh, scandalous!  While the drama seemed a bit entertaining at the time, was that helping to feel my mind, body or spirit?  Nope.

So part of my transformation into a healthy lifestyle is to make my environment fit the new me as well.  Right now I’m on my way up to Seattle to join my parents and outlaws (oops I mean in-laws) for an Alaskan cruise.  When I get home, the comfy chair is going bye-bye and cable is being switched to just the basic.  I’m no longer the person that wants to sit around and “relax in front of the T.V.”  Sure I’ll have a shows  watch and football season is coming up, but I thinking sitting down on the couch to watch a show is going to be a lot different from falling into my comfy chair for some “mindless entertainment”.  Just like you, I was meant to do some really awesome and great things and I’ve never heard of those great things happening in front of the T.V.

For those of you not familiar with Mini-Mermaids, it is a running group for young girls.  Check out www.minimermaidrunningclub.org.  They’re also on Facebook and you should go “like” their page.  Yep, shameless plug.  Anyway, in the program, they introduce the girls to two characters by the name of Mermaidia and Siren.  Essentially, Mermaidia is kind and pure inside and out.  Siren, on the other hand, is deceitful ; and while she may be beautiful on the  outside, deep down she only causes harm.  In the workbook given to the girls, there is an opportunity for them to write three things they did that day that would make Mermaidia proud.  It’s actually pretty powerful.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest that you write down your list to Mermaidia.  I am suggesting you write a list to someone much more important…yourself.   Every night I’ve started writing down a list of things I did that day that made me proud.  I have a couple definite goals and each night before I go to bed I run through my day and think of all my activities.  Did I make myself proud?  Am I really living and being the person that I was meant to be?  Every day that we wake up and are able to pull air into our lungs we have another opportunity to be great.  Be great at what?  Well…. be great at you.  Remember, we stood up.  We were created to be great.  Don’t let yourself fall into the habit of settling for mediocrity.

It’s a Mess and That’s OK

This is probably for now the most uncomfortable and scared I’ve been to write so bear with me.  About 2 weeks ago I official checked out.  I had a lot of messy going on in my life.  I had a couple of situations at work that I had been dealing with for quite some time.  I won’t get into the long boring details, but let’s just say it was a really big deal.  I am one who likes to be in total control and there was nothing I could do about this.  I was making calls almost daily to rectify this situation and I was continually being told, “We’re working on it”.  Then I had a very unexpected and emotional personal situation come up.  The only reason I won’t get into the details of this, is because there are other people involved and while I’m making a commitment to be open about my life, I don’t think it is fair to be open about others.  While those were the significant things going on, there were a number of other “little” things happening as well.

I am happy-go-lucky, life of the party Sharon.  If you want a good laugh, hang out with me for a little while.  If you want cheering up, give me a call.  As one person put it, “We look to you for happiness and humor”.  I don’t know if this is a role I assumed or if it is a role that I allowed.  Either way when things get difficult, stressful or scary and I can’t be the person to supply happiness and humor, I retreat.  I literally lock myself in a shell and don’t come out.  I don’t talk to people on the phone to just chat and I certainly don’t go around people unless it’s absolutely necessary.  On top of all of this, I get physically exhausted.

 The repercussions of this seem to appear suddenly like lava from a volcano that erupts; however, looking back at it now I can see that it was more of a slow process.  I first stopped running, then I stopped going to the gym, then I started eating what I call my “carb coma” food. I stop looking at goals and calendars, I stopped reading my book that was inspiring and put my health and fitness magazines aside.  During this time I started retreating further and further into myself.  Then on a Saturday a couple of weeks ago, it just seemed to happen. I checked out.  I stopped caring. 

I had been feeling so good about my life and my accomplishments and then because of the eating and lack of exercise, I started hating myself.  I was so angry and since I felt so out of control about everything else that was going on, I focused that anger onto me.  “You loser, how could you let this happen again”?  I viewed myself as weak and a failure because I couldn’t handle what was going on in my life.  That little voice in all of our heads that says, “I’m not good enough” was screaming those words at me and I was certainly listening.

So that was it.  In fact it wasn’t until just 2 days ago that things turned around.  I was ready to get rid of my bike, hang up my running shoes and honestly just give into the fact that I was a weak spirited person that should just learn to deal with the fact I may be intended to just live a life of failure.  It was time to put away these silly things like surfing, triathlon, century rides, rock climbing and everything else I wanted.  It was time to just wake up, eat whatever comfort food was within reach, do my work and then veg in front of the TV until it was bed time.  The problem with that plan was that my mind was going 100 miles an hour while my emotions wanted to crawl up in a ball and just be…nothing.  In order to calm my mind, I would eat my carb coma food.  That’s the crappy food like fast food that shortly after eating you fall into a mini coma.  When that coma wore off and my mind and spirit seemed ready to go again, I went ahead and grabbed something to slip back into that much desired coma. 

I lived this way for 10 of the last 13 days.  Then a friend did what she does best.  She was just there.  She didn’t have an expectation of anything.  I didn’t have to be happy Sharon, or fun Sharon, or motivating Sharon.  I didn’t even have to be Sharon with a problem.  In fact, I didn’t have to be any role at all.  I just had to be the true authentic person that was there right at that moment.  I realized in the last couple of days that if I allow myself to be put into a certain role of the happy and humor Sharon, then I’ve set myself up to fail because there is no way I can be that person all of the time.  Life is messy and we’ve all learned that while we can’t control every situation, we can control how we react to them.  My problem was that while I knew this, I wasn’t being truthful to my reaction.  I wasn’t letting the real people in my life know that I was sad, upset, angry, frustrated or whatever.  I kept everything locked up and hidden, then got angry and felt I was all alone.

I do not like being vulnerable because in the past, it was used by people I trusted most as arsenal for the purpose of “teasing”.  Deep down I guess I just figured that if those people I trusted most were going to pounce on it, then surely other people would as well.  Better to retreat into my shell and not emerge again until I had either figured it out or the feelings had successfully been pushed away.  On top of that, if I couldn’t just be happy and funny Sharon then what value did I add to others?  It took a lot for me to come out of that shell and I did it by asking myself the same question I’ve asked other people a thousand times.  “How has that worked for you in the past?”  Realizing I had done this a million times before, I had to honestly answer that question.  How had retreating, subsiding and living a “role” worked out for me in the past?  Well, not real well. 

So this is me.  I’m the one over here that is living a roller coaster life just like everyone else out there.  One that will have exciting and fun highs, frustrating and sad lows and even days that are just kinda mellow.  I’m the one over here that is going to walk into a room and be able to have a group laughing in no time at all, if it’s true.  I’m the one over here that is going to be able to talk to my core group of loved ones and say things are messy and that includes me, if that’s true.  I’m the one over here that’s just going to allow myself to be who I am at that moment. 

I no longer think that I’m a weak loser.  I’m the one that had the guts and courage to come out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable to my friend.  I am the one that has the guts and courage to learn from what happened to the me in the past and know that I don’t have to let it dictate who I am right now.  More importantly, I’ve learned that I shouldn’t worry about or plan how I’m going to react to a situation in the future.  All I have to focus on is being the true and authentic me that exists right now.  Is this going to be easy?  Is this going to be consistent?  Am I going to be able to do this from this moment on without fail?  I don’t know and I’m not going to try to figure it out, because the me right now is feeling good and that is authentic and real.

 

 

Changing it up

I’m back!  There’s this little thing called work that has kept me away from my blog these last couple of days.  This is a weight loss journey, so I thought this time instead of just sharing a discover I’d share my experience thus far.

First of all I realized I’m just flat-out not a dieter.  For me, thinking of a woman who goes on a diet conjures up an image of that 1970′s housewife eating cottage cheese and taking speed that was prescribed by her doctor.  Yeah, that actually happened!  In the 70′s we moved from Spokane Washington to Honolulu Hawaii and in order to fit into a bikini, mom headed to the doctor to drop some weight.  Along with diet and exercise he gave her two pieces of advice.  Take these pills (yep it was speed) and stop hanging out with your fat friends.  I know that sounds harsh, but unfortunately there are some truths to this.

There are some people who will rain on your parade and even try to sabotage your success.  Not because they are rude, mean or anything like that but because your success is a reminder of their failure.  Sit with that one for a minute.  Obviously this doesn’t apply to every person out there, but take notice of times you’ve seen or strived towards success and what were the reactions of people around you?  When I’ve “dieted” before I’ve had other overweight friends initially come out supportive, but then at a function said, “Oh, you can have a small piece of cake, you’ve been doing so good you deserve it!”  If a person is an alcoholic, should they go to a party with their old drinking buddy?  I have to remember that there was a certain life style that I rolled with that got me to where I am now, and of course I had partners in crime.  Now that I’m changing and doing totally different, why should I expect them to follow suit.  Who am I to say that their lifestyle isn’t good anymore and they should be changing with me?  That seems kinda selfish I think.  it’s just something to think about.

Anyway, so like I said I’ve decided I am not a dieter instead I’ve determined that I am an athlete.  That means that I am in training.  I have a Tri coming up and I have a countdown calendar set on my phone.  Right now, there are 94 days, 22 hours and 9 minutes left until the start of it.  Since I have some pretty hefty goals set for that tri, I need to lean down, so I had to alternate my eating.  Uh huh, see how that worked!  I didn’t say I’m on a diet, I’m alternating my eating to fit my training.  Yeah, that’s how us tri-athletes talk.  From Monday morning to Friday night I only eat protein, fruits and veggies.  That means I’m limited to Oatmeal, eggs, chicken, fish, fruits and veggies.  Oh and that means no sauces or dressings and only water to drink.  So on a salad with chicken or tuna I’m rolling with some pepper and a fresh squeezed lemon.  During the weekend I eat whatever I want.  Of course all of this is combined with a workout that pushes me almost every day.  I didn’t over do it on the weekend, it was just such a major luxury to have a bun with my turkey burger and put some ketchup and mustard on it!  The results?  Wait for it…..down 5 1/2 pounds.  Totally awesome.  I realize that will not be the continued weekly weight loss, but that was an awesome reward to a week of very hard work.  Also I weighed in on Friday so I wouldn’t overdo it during the weekend. 

On a side note, I’ve been craving pancakes in the morning so I found a cool way to help with that and add some variety in my morning.  2 eggs, 1/2 cup of oats and blend it together with a touch of cinnamon until is like a batter.  Then make a pancake out of it and top it with the fruit of your choice instead of butter and syrup.  It’s quite yummy!

 Just so you know, I’m going to weigh myself again on Friday, but then I’m putting the scale up on a shelf in the garage.  I will only be taking it out once a month.  I’m not focused on a number, I’m focused on my time goals set for a 600m swim, a 12 mile bike ride and a 2.5 mile run.  I’m going to focus on that and then I’ll just check in on the numbers once a month.

 

I don’t need no magic pill!

This last weekend I was handed the microphone and given the opportunity to announce The Mermaid Triathlon/Duathlon event.  It was awesome and I’m not gonna lie, I had a GREAT time!    I’m not a shy person so of course it was fun getting to stand up there and goof around.  I made jokes about the duathlon athletes and a swim cap, did a little rap and dance I call, “if you lost your gloves out on the course I have them up here.” and too many other corny jokes to mention.  So while that was fun, that’s not what made me say I had a great time.  I had a great time because I had a front row seat.  I got to watch every woman come across the finish line.  Some ran in kind of serious, others were ear to ear smiles, others had a “Holy Lord” look on their face.  Women came across racing to see who would be first and others came in holding hands stepping on the mat together.  The one thing that was consistent from the first woman crossing to the last was the energy they had after.  It was the energy that said, “I did it.” 

Their journey to the finish line didn’t start that morning, it started weeks, or months or maybe even years ago.  It started the day they decided to do a triathlon.  Mama nature wasn’t all the kind to us last weekend either.  She brought tough surf for the swim, high winds for the bike and run and of course topped it off with cold weather.  When the women crossed that finish line, that energy and pride didn’t come because they had overcome Mama natures stuff, they had overcome something so much more difficult.  They got up to train when they were tired.  They had fruit or veggies at a time when other people where eating cake.  They fought the mental chatter that runs through everyone’s heads that screams, “you’re not good enough to do this.”  Friends or family may have criticized them or told them what they were doing was stupid, but still they trained.  Then at the starting line on Saturday it all came together.  Everything they worked for all came down to this moment.  All the work they had done is what made them look at the water and decide they were still going in and swimming.  They were still riding and running despite the wind.  They had worked too hard to let anything get in the way of crossing that finish line.

I watched a documentary where the producer gave a homeless man $100,000.  The homeless man did not know that he was going to receive the money when he first got the $100,000.  He was only told that he would be filmed as a documentary as to how a homeless man spends his days.  After finding the money in a dumpster, he got himself an apartment and bought a $32,000.oo truck.  He then bought his friends cars by taking them to a car dealership and having them purchase the car they wanted.  Essentially, he gave his money away.  Keep in mind, the film maker even gave him the opportunity to use a financial advisor and a counselor for free.  He chose not to do this and went on the spending spree.  Six months later, he was broke.

When the thought of this movie popped into my mind on my way home Saturday, I didn’t quite know why.  I retraced my thoughts (oh you know you’ve had to do that) and finally figured it out.  I had been thinking about the race and the amazing women there and then I started thinking about the old me.  The me that had wished for a magic pill to make the weight go away.  Something I could take and wake up a week or so later at goal weight.  That is when the documentary memory entered and I realized the connection.  My neighbor had gastric bypass surgery (the current magic pill) several years ago and after losing over 150lbs she still doesn’t have the same look of pride on her face any one of the women had on theirs when they crossed the finish line.  Why?  Because she didn’t work for it.  She didn’t own it.  She couldn’t look at the weight she had lost and tell you where the drop of blood, sweat or tear had landed when she lost that particular pound.  She wasn’t in training for life, she was a patient.  She let someone else do the work for her.  Where else in her life is she relying on others to do the work?  Well without spilling the details of her personal story, I can tell you a lot.

So what does that mean, well it means that I’m not looking for that magic pill ever again.  It means I’m in training.  Not just for the Triathlon in September that I’m going to rock, but for life.  I want to own everything.  I want to own the every minute, every hour and every day!  I want to own all the highs, the lows and yes Mermaids, the “what the hecks”.  I own them because I worked for them.  So when I cross that finish line it is with pride.  Whether it’s the finish line of a race or this weight loss journey I am on, I will be able to tell you where every drop of blood, sweat and tears came from.